Too Much Perfection
by samuraiheart
Summary: Kouran's thoughts on the way that Chichiri's life has turned out. Very slight shounen-ai. TasukixChichiri


samuraiheart's Too Much Perfection

**Warning: This contains hints at shounen-ai, but nothing graphic – nothing at all really.**

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**Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi is not mine!**

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**Notes: This fic is from Kouran's POV as she watches over Chichiri. Slight spoilers for the series and OAVs, but nothing specific. You should probably be familiar with them though in order to understand the setting.**

********** **Too Much Perfection by samuraiheart** **********

I have watched you for a long time, Houjun.

Sometimes, I think that you know I am there. You sit alone in your room and stare off into the emptiness before you. I stand in the corner and wonder what you are thinking of. My eyes widen as you slowly bend your head and close your eye. One sparkling tear traces a solitary path down your smooth cheek and I ache to reach out and brush it away. Sometimes you whisper my name and I am afraid that you have found me out. 

"Kouran, Kouran…" 

Other times you lift your gaze for a moment and look around the room. I usually leave after that because I am afraid that you will be angry with me if you ever find out how often I watch you. Once I stayed for a little longer and I saw you bring your knees up to your chin and heard you try to choke back sobs as you rocked gently back and forth on the edge of the bed. That image still makes me shiver and I hate myself for all that you have gone through. I know most of it is my fault and I am deeply sorry. I always wished there was something I could do for you.

I hoped that the final battle with Hikou would bring some sort of closure for you, but you only seemed to sink deeper into your misery. You hid it well, though. Your friends probably thought you were fine. I knew differently, of course. I saw the way your hand shook when you picked up your staff the day after Hikou was finally banished forever and I saw the haunted look in your eyes after a particularly sinister nightmare kept you awake at night.

I hoped that you would have someone to confide in. I wanted you to find a friend and companion to share your pain with. I never expected that it would grow into more than that, but I must say that I am happy about that too.

My heart soared that first night when Tasuki asked you what was wrong and refused to let you ignore him or change the subject. He saw through all of your assurances and even convinced you to remove that mask that you wore. I held my breath as your lower lip trembled ever so slightly and you finally shrugged and sighed heavily. You told him everything that night. Some things even I never knew, but I saw a difference in you afterwards. Tasuki shared many of his stories as well and you both seemed happier and relieved. 

Your friendship developed quickly and eventually became something that neither one of you had the courage to name for a long time. It started with innocent glances and faint pink blushes that you both hoped the other would not notice. You were both very good at hiding your feelings, especially you Houjun. For a while I was afraid that neither of you would ever make the first move and I was starting to wonder if there was anything I could do, but patience is one thing you learn from being dead and so I waited. I waited for a long time, but I was watching when things began to fall into place.

I watched the night Tasuki stood resolutely in his room, took a long gulp of sake and marched off to your room intent on telling you something important. I heard him rehearse the words in front of the mirror. _Aishiteru, Chichiri_, he said quietly to his reflection one last time. I saw him round the corner and then hesitate in front of your door with his hand just inches from knocking on the hard wooden surface only to shake his head and turn away. 

I also watched you the night that he finally got up the courage to tell you. 

I watch you now as you prepare yourself to attend court. The empress has some request for you, no doubt. You have become very valuable to this kingdom. 

It is funny - near the end of that final battle with Hikou, he said that if I saw your scar I would be shocked. He was wrong, though. I look at you now and I admire that scar. It says so much about you and I am so glad that you have stopped wearing the mask at Tasuki's insistence. You really are very handsome, Houjun. You shouldn't hide from the world. 

Our love was so innocent and perfect, but we hardly knew what we were doing. We didn't really know what we were getting into. We were so young and inexperienced. After what happened with Hikou, I felt like I had tainted that precious love that we shared and I knew that I could no longer be with you. I had to leave. I had to run and death was the only way I knew how. It was just too perfect. Too fragile. Too precious. Like a museum piece kept carefully behind velvet ropes. I shattered it all with one kiss and I knew that there was no way to go back. 

Since that time, I have learned a lot about people from watching them. I believe that real love should be flawed. Nothing perfect can last forever. I look at your scar and I love you even more. It is an imperfection and a constant reminder of everything you've had to work for and the life that you have lived. I love you so much that I know I have to let you go and move on. Maybe someday we will meet again. Good luck until then. 

********** Owari **********

Author's note: I've never really been happy with the way this turned out, but I decided that I might as well go ahead and post it. Please let me know what you think.

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   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/ccsff



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